When our family was younger, with all the hustle and bustle of being holiday-ready, I didn’t get how special being together really was. The last 10 years have given me a wider and sobering perspective when it comes to the holidays. When Ricky was little, I remember getting caught up in the kinds of gifts we were getting and the gatherings we would cook for. Wrapping gifts in between the music shuffles and the smells coming from the kitchen, never once did I consider, “It won’t always be this way.”

Over the years we’ve made room for the traditions of other families, made our own way as empty nesters, and at times travelled to Florida to experience the holidays with my in-laws. The toughest were the two years we were estranged from our son. Waiting and wondering if a call or a text would come through caused me injury after injury. It was so hard on my heart but I can’t deny that God met me there. He was teaching me about free will and its connection to love. He taught me how Jesus had “borne our griefs and carried our sorrows,” from Isaiah 53. Honestly, I also needed ​a bit of pride broken off. I can’t blame the devil when I’m really fighting my own flesh.

It’s not just Christmas either, it’s all the other holidays sprinkled throughout the year, including birthdays. There’s nothing like a holiday or a milestone to highlight the joy of what was and the pain of what isn’t. I remember one day digging my heels into thanksgiving. No, not the holiday, the actual practice of thanksgiving. I pulled out every special and pleasant memory I could find and gave​ God thanks for it. Friend, you have a list you can pull from too, I’m sure of it. Even if it was a stranger flashing you a smile and letting you go ahead in line. That act of kindness was God showing up for you.

My rock bottom was that one year that Mother’s Day dropped like a bomb in our house. I knew I would have feelings because of the separation with my son​. ​It was also the first time having a kiddo in our home through foster care that was​ of age to be fully aware of the holiday. The icing on the cake was that Marc was out of town. I. WAS. NOT. READY. I’m sure we made it to church that day, then I made the drive to pick up my mom from a few towns over​. I’m sure I attempted to make a home cooked meal to try to make it some-what special. ​Picture this. There were the three of us, all in different stages of womanhood, trying to keep it together for the sake of the other and not doing so great. ​M​y best prayer efforts that day were just whispering the name of Jesus. I just remember at the height of the tension, we all released what we had been holding back. Anger, sadness, ​and disappointment​. ​I​ know our loving Father was, holding each of us with His tender and kind arms while we each cried it out. Our kiddo had a meltdown, because she couldn’t be with her mom. I cried because I couldn’t be with my son. My mom was overwhelmed because she had her own feelings about the whole thing and instead of spending time with her grandson she had to share a meal with a little girl she didn’t understand and couldn’t communicate with. The only silver lining I found was that Marc was in Florida, celebrating the holiday with his mom, for the first time in years.

I went looking through my journal for that day and read back my words, “I found solace in the quietness of my backyard and found refuge in my closet.”​ Can you relate?

It is on those days that I really get, “The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little while,” from 1 Peter 5:10. ​Suffered a little while, God? Like, how much are we talking? Ugh. Then a few weeks later, God told me, “I will make the suffering count. I will make it matter.” Amen. ​I’m choosing to trust His way. From this experience and others like it, I’ve walked away ​with these ​heart-changing practices that I still use to this day. I pray they help:

Practice thanksgiving.
Bring to memory everything you consider good about the person you’re missing this holiday. Thank God for every detail that is significant to you. 

Decide ahead of time.
You can decide ahead of time how you will respond. Give yourself permission to cry or experience joy. Maybe you’ll need to create a new tradition or outing.

Hold it all with loose hands.
This one has been gold for me. Leave room in your hands to hold the whole spectrum of possibilities. It could be beautiful and amazing or it can be a dumpster fire or anything in between. God’s promise is to be with you through it all. He is Immanuel. Remember you have no control over what someone else decides to do, you only have control over your own thoughts, emotions and actions.

Until next time, I’ve got dinner waiting for me.

What I’m reading/listening to:​ 1 Peter

Song on repeat: Jesus Increase by Mercy Culture

Blog entry No. 8